Today - my preference is vodka shots! Absolut vodka is like water - I don't even taste it. Lick it, slam it, suck it! Better than calgon :-)
Wish I could walk in this cloud all day. It would make life so much easier.
24 August 2012
07 March 2012
Lets take it way back - part 3
(continuation from part 2)
April 2011 - I'm still not over him, still hurt and vulnerable and still checking out his facebook page since he has it completely wide open, and wouldn't you know he's completely head over heels for this girl and now they're engaged. What a slap in the face to me! I cried on the spot, my heart pounded out of my chest. I felt my blood rush up to my face and I felt every feeling you could image right then. I think my blood pressure hit an ultimate high, and immediately I just burst out in tears. That was the last thing I thought I would see - I actually expected to just be bored and see him single - a new status alright...just not at all what I wanted. Damn, engaged? I spent 3 years + trying to make this man see what a good woman I am, how much value I could bring to his life, a good mom, independent as hell, a go-getter; solid. But as soon as I saw that label "engaged" I broke down. I shouldn't have even cared by now. I definitely felt emotional I had just been dumped, and he had moved on and found "the one" so quickly, but it was more about the fact that it was him engaged, and not me. I honestly feel like that's what I've been hoping and praying would happen for so long, and it was now so far out of my reach. I guess I could just marry the next Joe Blow that had the inclination, but I'm not that much of a risk taker. My mind was blown, completely. I immediately told my sister and my closest friends. My heart sank and I just kept feeling worse as the days went by. Now I'm way out here near my work, far from my family and a lot of my friends but it's not like I would have spent much time with anyone anyway at this point. I wanted to hide under a rock. First, I went from thinking I was losing my man to another man, and then it was just me not good enough for him. I don't know which feels worse.
So, I cried my tears, I wiped my face and I accepted the fact that I would never get him back, it was not meant to be, I was not the one for him - and it was a sad reality but after that low blow, yeah, you'd think I'd leave it alone and let it be. Well, I wish I could say that was the case, but no - I would go back and check from time to time over the next few months and in August, they married. I think that was finally the closure I needed and I had plenty of my friends there to support me and remind me of all hard times. It sucks to talk negative about the one you love, but if the feelings are not reciprocated, then it's time to keep it moving. I told my best friend - I know the only way I can move on is to meet someone new. Finally in May, I did. This was a cousin of a good friend, and he was good looking. She told me about him a little and she told him a little about me. Started off good, one of these meet and greets on facebook - easier to break the ice that way I guess. Get to know someone online and decide what you think and see pictures before you get too invoved. I'm feeling better now that I have someone to take my mind off my previous troubles. I didn't forget my ex that easily, just trying to move on to the next chapter in my life.
This guy was not very refined at all - rough around the edges, had a personality that was hard to deal with at times, but of course I'm the type of person that makes excuses for everyone and I say to myself "it's new, give it time, don't make the same mistake you just made with the last one" and so I just was honest with him and told him I thought he was a bit too abrasive at times, and being that we just barely were getting to know each other, maybe he should not be so comfortable if he wanted us to have a shot at something here. So he chilled out a bit, and he liked talking to me and we would talk for hours at a time. Sounds like your typical new relationship. Basically, he was a jerk, he used me - well, rather, I allowed him to use me for 4 months. I ignored all the red flags and continued to believe that something good would come of this. I kept thinking "he'll realize how great a person I am and come to his senses". My friend tells me I have this horrible ailment with no cure - I'm a hopeless romantic. Yep, she's right. So I lent this guy money because he has two daughters and I thought they were suffering because he was going through a rough patch. Turns out, he's just another asshole that brings it on himself and blames everyone else for his short comings. Man, he came up with the worst lies and the most unbelievable excuses. Now that I look back, I'm asking myself just what in the hell did I see in him. The answer is that I had hoped he would take my mind off my recent breakup. I wanted something good to happen to me. He was not the one. So in September, I gave up on this guy after a week of total bullshit from him. One excuse after another and by that time I was angry - livid to be exact. I wanted to go to his house and slash his tires. I went to his house to get him to pay me back. To this day, he still has not paid back a dime.
So a couple months pass and I'm starving for attention, so I decide to try something new. I sign up for Match.com. It actually was pretty cool- you check people out, get a glimpse into their world a short bio, decide if you are attracted to their pics, their thoughts they share and you reach out if interested. I went on a date, talked to a few guys and got the cold shoulder from a few more. You know, this type of dating is actually a bit humiliating and humbling at the same time. I realize I'm not all that, I'm not as attractive or as appealing as I used to be. I was my usual brave self, reaching out and making the first move because I wanted this to work. I'm not going to wait around for Mr. Right to contact me. It might not ever happen if I leave it to chance. So one night, this guy creates a profile and I send him a message. He checks out my profile (I know this because the site shows you who's viewed you) and I'm thinking there's something about this guy that's strikes me as a really nice guy. I read his profile and it's so sweet and I'm instantly drawn in. I send him a message to let him know I'm interested. Well, a day goes by and then I get a message that he liked one of my pics. Then a while later he likes another pic. So I figure he's shy or still checking things out. So by the 2nd day I write another message basically saying hey there, if you're interested, I'm interested. About the third day in, I was just about to move on and forget about him when I got an email back from him... (to be continued)
April 2011 - I'm still not over him, still hurt and vulnerable and still checking out his facebook page since he has it completely wide open, and wouldn't you know he's completely head over heels for this girl and now they're engaged. What a slap in the face to me! I cried on the spot, my heart pounded out of my chest. I felt my blood rush up to my face and I felt every feeling you could image right then. I think my blood pressure hit an ultimate high, and immediately I just burst out in tears. That was the last thing I thought I would see - I actually expected to just be bored and see him single - a new status alright...just not at all what I wanted. Damn, engaged? I spent 3 years + trying to make this man see what a good woman I am, how much value I could bring to his life, a good mom, independent as hell, a go-getter; solid. But as soon as I saw that label "engaged" I broke down. I shouldn't have even cared by now. I definitely felt emotional I had just been dumped, and he had moved on and found "the one" so quickly, but it was more about the fact that it was him engaged, and not me. I honestly feel like that's what I've been hoping and praying would happen for so long, and it was now so far out of my reach. I guess I could just marry the next Joe Blow that had the inclination, but I'm not that much of a risk taker. My mind was blown, completely. I immediately told my sister and my closest friends. My heart sank and I just kept feeling worse as the days went by. Now I'm way out here near my work, far from my family and a lot of my friends but it's not like I would have spent much time with anyone anyway at this point. I wanted to hide under a rock. First, I went from thinking I was losing my man to another man, and then it was just me not good enough for him. I don't know which feels worse.
So, I cried my tears, I wiped my face and I accepted the fact that I would never get him back, it was not meant to be, I was not the one for him - and it was a sad reality but after that low blow, yeah, you'd think I'd leave it alone and let it be. Well, I wish I could say that was the case, but no - I would go back and check from time to time over the next few months and in August, they married. I think that was finally the closure I needed and I had plenty of my friends there to support me and remind me of all hard times. It sucks to talk negative about the one you love, but if the feelings are not reciprocated, then it's time to keep it moving. I told my best friend - I know the only way I can move on is to meet someone new. Finally in May, I did. This was a cousin of a good friend, and he was good looking. She told me about him a little and she told him a little about me. Started off good, one of these meet and greets on facebook - easier to break the ice that way I guess. Get to know someone online and decide what you think and see pictures before you get too invoved. I'm feeling better now that I have someone to take my mind off my previous troubles. I didn't forget my ex that easily, just trying to move on to the next chapter in my life.
This guy was not very refined at all - rough around the edges, had a personality that was hard to deal with at times, but of course I'm the type of person that makes excuses for everyone and I say to myself "it's new, give it time, don't make the same mistake you just made with the last one" and so I just was honest with him and told him I thought he was a bit too abrasive at times, and being that we just barely were getting to know each other, maybe he should not be so comfortable if he wanted us to have a shot at something here. So he chilled out a bit, and he liked talking to me and we would talk for hours at a time. Sounds like your typical new relationship. Basically, he was a jerk, he used me - well, rather, I allowed him to use me for 4 months. I ignored all the red flags and continued to believe that something good would come of this. I kept thinking "he'll realize how great a person I am and come to his senses". My friend tells me I have this horrible ailment with no cure - I'm a hopeless romantic. Yep, she's right. So I lent this guy money because he has two daughters and I thought they were suffering because he was going through a rough patch. Turns out, he's just another asshole that brings it on himself and blames everyone else for his short comings. Man, he came up with the worst lies and the most unbelievable excuses. Now that I look back, I'm asking myself just what in the hell did I see in him. The answer is that I had hoped he would take my mind off my recent breakup. I wanted something good to happen to me. He was not the one. So in September, I gave up on this guy after a week of total bullshit from him. One excuse after another and by that time I was angry - livid to be exact. I wanted to go to his house and slash his tires. I went to his house to get him to pay me back. To this day, he still has not paid back a dime.
So a couple months pass and I'm starving for attention, so I decide to try something new. I sign up for Match.com. It actually was pretty cool- you check people out, get a glimpse into their world a short bio, decide if you are attracted to their pics, their thoughts they share and you reach out if interested. I went on a date, talked to a few guys and got the cold shoulder from a few more. You know, this type of dating is actually a bit humiliating and humbling at the same time. I realize I'm not all that, I'm not as attractive or as appealing as I used to be. I was my usual brave self, reaching out and making the first move because I wanted this to work. I'm not going to wait around for Mr. Right to contact me. It might not ever happen if I leave it to chance. So one night, this guy creates a profile and I send him a message. He checks out my profile (I know this because the site shows you who's viewed you) and I'm thinking there's something about this guy that's strikes me as a really nice guy. I read his profile and it's so sweet and I'm instantly drawn in. I send him a message to let him know I'm interested. Well, a day goes by and then I get a message that he liked one of my pics. Then a while later he likes another pic. So I figure he's shy or still checking things out. So by the 2nd day I write another message basically saying hey there, if you're interested, I'm interested. About the third day in, I was just about to move on and forget about him when I got an email back from him... (to be continued)
01 March 2012
Lets take it way back - part 2
(continuation of part 1)
So, I've just been dumped on the exact day of my 3 year anniversary, and he's pissed and leaves to go to his family's house. I'm at home crying and just totally stunned at the events that just took place. When he gets back he says he's not moving out right away, he's waiting til the first of August. Hold up!!! What the hell... we're in March. You just broke up with me and now I have to live with you for 5 more month. Can life get any worse? That was a rhetorical question, but eventually I got the answer. Umm yes, it can - and it did. So, he breaks up with me, but like most men, still wants to sleep with me, but then he gets pissy when I tell him we can't sleep in the same bed anymore. I mean, come on now, you just broke my heart. I was completely devastated. I cried every night - and most days he would stay gone, at work, out fishing, hanging out with some gay guy. Oh yeah, this was a trip. I'm fine with gay and lesbian people - I have no issues, except when I have this gut feeling that his friend, who is gay, is making moves on him and he doesn't realize it. I think the guy was giving him a shoulder, being the good friend and letting him vent, but also throwing in his 2 cents. I think he was trying to get close to him. It was disturbing to me, and I called him out on this. One day the bf and his son were hanging out at this guys house and they went swimming in his pool. The gay guy let him borrow a shirt. Ok, first of all, I don't let my girlfriends borrow my clothes, so for two guys to share clothing really was a red flag. I was really feeling weird too because, was I about to be a victim of my bf leaving me for a man??!! OMG, what the hell is wrong with me?! Well, I'll never know the truth, but eventually that friend went away after some time - but it was a very strange situation, none the less.
The living situation was awkward - you know that song by Script "breakeven" - I was living that song "I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing... I got time while he's got freedom, cuz when a heart breaks, no it don't break even" - I would tear up every time I heard that song on the radio. I could not move out, my son was 8 at the time and it was mid school year. The lease was up mid August, so I could move before the next school year started. He, on the other hand, could have been a man and moved out, but he did not. He made me suffer, and suffer I did. I suffered for the next 6 months, I cried every single day for 6 whole months. I never thought a person could cry so much - and I honestly did love him and he hurt me in just about every way possible. Finally when July came around, I had to go to Roswell to meet my ex husband half way at my moms house so he could pick up our son to keep him for the last month of summer vacation. I was gone 3 days. When I got back, the bastard had moved out. He left me with almost no furniture, I had my bed and my sons bed and that was it. We were sharing the living room furniture, he took his bed and all his other things. Oh, I did have the dining room table and chairs, I bought that. The house was just unbearable to look at - it was so sad. I was so sad. But, I had to be strong - story of my life. So, even after moving out and leaving me the way he did, he still wanted to hang out. He said he was still having a hard time letting go as well. I hated him, but I loved him at the same time. I think that was the hardest thing I had dealt with in such a long time. I didn't have much time to go out and do things, I was having to pack up everything myself for the next move. I was totally used to that - I've moved so many times, I've got that down pat. At this point, I was so mad at the world, I decided to move back to the suburb where I work - 2 miles from my job. I said screw him and screw the family, they never come to visit me anyway and I was right down the road. The further away I was from the ex bf, the better. I would not be tempted to see him or have him over. But, wouldn't you now, I moved really far away and he would still come over sometimes. That made me believe that he honestly still did love me and was having a hard time letting go. But he wasn't suffering like I was - I was the one that got dumped and felt like I wasn't good enough. I bent over backwards but I wasn't wife material. I think he wants a wife to be seen and not heard. That is NOT me!!! Besides that, his whole family were alcoholics, he was borderline alcoholic and I could not stand going to the family events and if you didn't drink they criticized, but if you did drink it was overdone. If I didn't put on a happy face I was being a bitch and they just never liked me, and I never felt accepted. I tried, I really did try to accept it and say this is how it's going to be, deal with it. But, now that I look back, I am so glad it did not work out.
It was February (2011) when I finally had enough of the stringing along and I didn't talk to him anymore. He did come by one last time to pick up something of his that was in my lock box and he didn't even come inside. I suspect he had someone in the car with him. He was amicable - he said he still wanted to be friends and he gave me a goodbye hug. That just confused the hell out of me, but I said goodbye and let it be. Now, I did do some stupid things after, like look him up on facebook and that was heartbreaking. Not only had he moved on, he was doing things with her that he'd never do with me, like take pics together, go to certain places and apparently she was in good with the family. This was only a month later. I was like, wow, ok he was completely over me so quick - I had apparently lost him a long, long time ago. By April - I was in complete dismay over the news I recently discovered... (to be continued)
So, I've just been dumped on the exact day of my 3 year anniversary, and he's pissed and leaves to go to his family's house. I'm at home crying and just totally stunned at the events that just took place. When he gets back he says he's not moving out right away, he's waiting til the first of August. Hold up!!! What the hell... we're in March. You just broke up with me and now I have to live with you for 5 more month. Can life get any worse? That was a rhetorical question, but eventually I got the answer. Umm yes, it can - and it did. So, he breaks up with me, but like most men, still wants to sleep with me, but then he gets pissy when I tell him we can't sleep in the same bed anymore. I mean, come on now, you just broke my heart. I was completely devastated. I cried every night - and most days he would stay gone, at work, out fishing, hanging out with some gay guy. Oh yeah, this was a trip. I'm fine with gay and lesbian people - I have no issues, except when I have this gut feeling that his friend, who is gay, is making moves on him and he doesn't realize it. I think the guy was giving him a shoulder, being the good friend and letting him vent, but also throwing in his 2 cents. I think he was trying to get close to him. It was disturbing to me, and I called him out on this. One day the bf and his son were hanging out at this guys house and they went swimming in his pool. The gay guy let him borrow a shirt. Ok, first of all, I don't let my girlfriends borrow my clothes, so for two guys to share clothing really was a red flag. I was really feeling weird too because, was I about to be a victim of my bf leaving me for a man??!! OMG, what the hell is wrong with me?! Well, I'll never know the truth, but eventually that friend went away after some time - but it was a very strange situation, none the less.
The living situation was awkward - you know that song by Script "breakeven" - I was living that song "I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing... I got time while he's got freedom, cuz when a heart breaks, no it don't break even" - I would tear up every time I heard that song on the radio. I could not move out, my son was 8 at the time and it was mid school year. The lease was up mid August, so I could move before the next school year started. He, on the other hand, could have been a man and moved out, but he did not. He made me suffer, and suffer I did. I suffered for the next 6 months, I cried every single day for 6 whole months. I never thought a person could cry so much - and I honestly did love him and he hurt me in just about every way possible. Finally when July came around, I had to go to Roswell to meet my ex husband half way at my moms house so he could pick up our son to keep him for the last month of summer vacation. I was gone 3 days. When I got back, the bastard had moved out. He left me with almost no furniture, I had my bed and my sons bed and that was it. We were sharing the living room furniture, he took his bed and all his other things. Oh, I did have the dining room table and chairs, I bought that. The house was just unbearable to look at - it was so sad. I was so sad. But, I had to be strong - story of my life. So, even after moving out and leaving me the way he did, he still wanted to hang out. He said he was still having a hard time letting go as well. I hated him, but I loved him at the same time. I think that was the hardest thing I had dealt with in such a long time. I didn't have much time to go out and do things, I was having to pack up everything myself for the next move. I was totally used to that - I've moved so many times, I've got that down pat. At this point, I was so mad at the world, I decided to move back to the suburb where I work - 2 miles from my job. I said screw him and screw the family, they never come to visit me anyway and I was right down the road. The further away I was from the ex bf, the better. I would not be tempted to see him or have him over. But, wouldn't you now, I moved really far away and he would still come over sometimes. That made me believe that he honestly still did love me and was having a hard time letting go. But he wasn't suffering like I was - I was the one that got dumped and felt like I wasn't good enough. I bent over backwards but I wasn't wife material. I think he wants a wife to be seen and not heard. That is NOT me!!! Besides that, his whole family were alcoholics, he was borderline alcoholic and I could not stand going to the family events and if you didn't drink they criticized, but if you did drink it was overdone. If I didn't put on a happy face I was being a bitch and they just never liked me, and I never felt accepted. I tried, I really did try to accept it and say this is how it's going to be, deal with it. But, now that I look back, I am so glad it did not work out.
It was February (2011) when I finally had enough of the stringing along and I didn't talk to him anymore. He did come by one last time to pick up something of his that was in my lock box and he didn't even come inside. I suspect he had someone in the car with him. He was amicable - he said he still wanted to be friends and he gave me a goodbye hug. That just confused the hell out of me, but I said goodbye and let it be. Now, I did do some stupid things after, like look him up on facebook and that was heartbreaking. Not only had he moved on, he was doing things with her that he'd never do with me, like take pics together, go to certain places and apparently she was in good with the family. This was only a month later. I was like, wow, ok he was completely over me so quick - I had apparently lost him a long, long time ago. By April - I was in complete dismay over the news I recently discovered... (to be continued)
27 February 2012
Lets take it way back - part 1
Going back to sometime around August 2008, whoa! Do I really want to do this to myself? Drudge up all these past memories. Of course I do - its the best way to heal; to release the anger and pain, and it's good reading later down the road.
So, back in Aug 2008 my bf moved out. He moved closer to his family and I was going to stay close to my job. I had planned to renew my lease at my apt for 9 months, then move the next summer. Well, the apt complex had different plans for me. What management decided was that my apt needed an upgrade, so I was told I had to move out temporarily - to an extended stay suite regardless of the inconvenience while my apt was upgraded. Then after 3 weeks renovation, I could move back in and start paying $200 more a month. Umm no thank you. I was caught off guard, feeling abandoned and now rejected and I had to move. So what does my dumbass do, follow the bf. I was looking for a place right down the street from him. He didn't like that idea. I didn't understand why. I bent over backwards to make this work. So I decided somewhere in the middle - close to him but still close to work. I had to have my son change schools again. The neighborhood where I was currently was a bit expensive so I wanted to cut costs. After I moved, things didn't get much better between us. He'd come over, same ole crap. Back and forth - we'd fight, we'd make up. He didn't like my son, his kid didn't want to be here and his family always came first. After a year of this we talked about moving back in together. He couldn't make up his mind. One day he's all about it, the next day it was like I was forcing it on him. So the final decision was we would move in together - close to his work, close to his family and close to his son. Now we are in August of 2009. My son changed schools again, and my drive was farther from work. But I'm all about compromise. You do these things for love, right? So we move in, I give his brother all my furniture because now we're sharing things. We bought some things together and it finally felt like we were making progress and moving forward. We sign a year lease on a house this time and it was really nice. It was big, we could host parties and not be cramped, we could get pets if we chose and the kids had a yard to play in and we hoped there would be neighborhood friends for my son to play with after school and on weekends. After we move in, his attitude reared it's ugly head again. He was always upset with my son because my son didn't act like his son. He resented my ex husband because he was doing more for my son than his own dad was. My bf and his son picked on my son, they were just downright mean and the whole time they had me thinking my son was acting like a brat when I wasn't looking. I tried so hard to make things work and I tried to make everyone happy. What really hurt me most was when I had to go out of town and he couldn't go because he couldn't get time off. While I'm away he has a party with all his family in our house. Then when I get back he says they don't feel comfortable around me and they won't come around when I'm there. What?! Ok I'm tired of being the outsider, my own bf won't stand up for me and he obviously feels they have a right to feel that way. All I've done is go out of my way to do everything his way, and it's still not good enough. So things start going downhill very rapidly. Christmas rolls around and it's uncomfortable - with his family. Then new years was ok - with his family. By February it was hard to tell if we were even going to be celebrating Valentines day. I got him something just in case, and I tried to be thoughtful, but there wasn't much assurance it would be appreciated or reciprocated, so I didn't overspend. Then Valentines came around and he was nice and got me a nice gift and then it seemed like he didn't like what I got him. Over the next couple of weeks he was just being very inconsiderate. One morning he decided on a Sunday to get up and go fishing at 6am. He called to say he'd be home around 10. So my son and I waited for him to get home so we could eat breakfast. He got home and said he had just picked up something on his way home and wasn't hungry. I got pissed. I told him I thought he was being a bit inconsiderate to do that and not say anything knowing we were waiting on him to eat. He said he was tired of my nagging and broke up with me on the spot. What I was really upset about was the fact that this day happened to be our 3 year anniversary.... (to be continued)
So, back in Aug 2008 my bf moved out. He moved closer to his family and I was going to stay close to my job. I had planned to renew my lease at my apt for 9 months, then move the next summer. Well, the apt complex had different plans for me. What management decided was that my apt needed an upgrade, so I was told I had to move out temporarily - to an extended stay suite regardless of the inconvenience while my apt was upgraded. Then after 3 weeks renovation, I could move back in and start paying $200 more a month. Umm no thank you. I was caught off guard, feeling abandoned and now rejected and I had to move. So what does my dumbass do, follow the bf. I was looking for a place right down the street from him. He didn't like that idea. I didn't understand why. I bent over backwards to make this work. So I decided somewhere in the middle - close to him but still close to work. I had to have my son change schools again. The neighborhood where I was currently was a bit expensive so I wanted to cut costs. After I moved, things didn't get much better between us. He'd come over, same ole crap. Back and forth - we'd fight, we'd make up. He didn't like my son, his kid didn't want to be here and his family always came first. After a year of this we talked about moving back in together. He couldn't make up his mind. One day he's all about it, the next day it was like I was forcing it on him. So the final decision was we would move in together - close to his work, close to his family and close to his son. Now we are in August of 2009. My son changed schools again, and my drive was farther from work. But I'm all about compromise. You do these things for love, right? So we move in, I give his brother all my furniture because now we're sharing things. We bought some things together and it finally felt like we were making progress and moving forward. We sign a year lease on a house this time and it was really nice. It was big, we could host parties and not be cramped, we could get pets if we chose and the kids had a yard to play in and we hoped there would be neighborhood friends for my son to play with after school and on weekends. After we move in, his attitude reared it's ugly head again. He was always upset with my son because my son didn't act like his son. He resented my ex husband because he was doing more for my son than his own dad was. My bf and his son picked on my son, they were just downright mean and the whole time they had me thinking my son was acting like a brat when I wasn't looking. I tried so hard to make things work and I tried to make everyone happy. What really hurt me most was when I had to go out of town and he couldn't go because he couldn't get time off. While I'm away he has a party with all his family in our house. Then when I get back he says they don't feel comfortable around me and they won't come around when I'm there. What?! Ok I'm tired of being the outsider, my own bf won't stand up for me and he obviously feels they have a right to feel that way. All I've done is go out of my way to do everything his way, and it's still not good enough. So things start going downhill very rapidly. Christmas rolls around and it's uncomfortable - with his family. Then new years was ok - with his family. By February it was hard to tell if we were even going to be celebrating Valentines day. I got him something just in case, and I tried to be thoughtful, but there wasn't much assurance it would be appreciated or reciprocated, so I didn't overspend. Then Valentines came around and he was nice and got me a nice gift and then it seemed like he didn't like what I got him. Over the next couple of weeks he was just being very inconsiderate. One morning he decided on a Sunday to get up and go fishing at 6am. He called to say he'd be home around 10. So my son and I waited for him to get home so we could eat breakfast. He got home and said he had just picked up something on his way home and wasn't hungry. I got pissed. I told him I thought he was being a bit inconsiderate to do that and not say anything knowing we were waiting on him to eat. He said he was tired of my nagging and broke up with me on the spot. What I was really upset about was the fact that this day happened to be our 3 year anniversary.... (to be continued)
25 February 2012
It's been a while!!!
Wow! So, here I am 3 and a half years later - and I can't believe how much has changed. I am going to start writing here again, so stay tuned!
As I go back and read some of my prior posts, I recall all the emotions I was going thru, the sadness, the anger. I have grown and changed so much, so it's going to be exciting (at least to me) to start blogging again and see just how much different I am now.
Well, my mom is here visiting this weekend, so I don't have much time to dedicate on here at the moment, but I will do plan to make some time soon.
Take care
Jelly
As I go back and read some of my prior posts, I recall all the emotions I was going thru, the sadness, the anger. I have grown and changed so much, so it's going to be exciting (at least to me) to start blogging again and see just how much different I am now.
Well, my mom is here visiting this weekend, so I don't have much time to dedicate on here at the moment, but I will do plan to make some time soon.
Take care
Jelly
06 August 2008
Some days are better than other, today's not so great
Last night we had a long talk about why my bf is moving out. He has told me a few of the reasons, but ALL of the real reasons came out last night. So, now I'm feeling like crap again, because once again it was something I did that finalized his decision. It's always me, I'm used to it by now, but why does this keep happening? I know I can't change everything about me, but my past keeps coming back to haunt me everytime I think I've made a significant change in my life.
I'm not going to continue to put all the blame on me anymore. If this is how he wants to live his life, then so be it. I'll be here for him as long as I can handle it. I won't have my life revolve around his family just because his does. Family is great, and I don't mind his family at all, but there is so much family that I get put on the backburner when we're at family gatherings. I'm left to fend for myself while he's socializing and it's not something I'm used to. My ex didn't talk to most of his family, and my family kept their distance because of my ex. It's a vicious cycle of family issues.
So, today I made a decision to get rid of my cat. There are several reason why I'm doing it, but inside it hurts me because my son will miss her the most. My bf never liked cats, he said he was allergic to them, but I got one anyway. Turns out, he has not had any allergic reactions to her. That worked out for a while, but now's he's using her as one of the many reasons why he resents me. He had to get rid of his pets to move in with me, and then I got the cat when he didn't agree to it. He pushed and pushed so much for me to let him move in, and he had to let his huge boxer go because I live in an apartment and that size dog just wouldn't work out in an apartment.
Now I'm moving again and the pet deposit is $400... that is just ludicrous and I can't justify paying that much for a crazy cat that I've had less than a year that attacks, scratches and bites my son. He provokes it most of the time, but never the less - I made the decision she has to go. I'll probably get him a hampster - if I don't have to pay a damn pet deposit.
Another reason he's leaving he says is because I pissed of members of his family, specifically his brother that he is closest with. So, to make things right for myself, I am going to call his brother and apologize to him for disrespecting him or his family. I know it won't change anything now, but it will make me feel better and possibly change their perception of me - because I don't think I'm a bad person. People make mistakes and say things that are out of line from time to time. I just want him to know that I can be the bigger person and accept that I made a mistake and apologize for doing so.
My son never really let my bf get close because he still thinks his daddy is great - and that's probably because I've never bad mouthed his father to him. He needs to make his own opinion of his dad, and I'm sure very soon he will be just as disappointed as I have been. My bf seems to think that his son and I did not get close enough either, but there's a certain line that cannot be crossed. I cannot act like his mother, he already has one. I cannot do more than be a friend to him and show him I care about him and his father. I take care of him when my bf is at work, I take the boys swimming and out to eat. He goes to my sons soccer games and I've been to his sporting events. What else am I supposed to do? I guess an occasional hug and loving gesture, but he was never really happy to be here with us. He is also mad at me because my ex does not pay his child support like he should. As if I have control over that situation!!!! I have a court order saying he has to pay, but he's not responsible and it takes time to get that all worked out and so now I'm suffering in more than one way not getting child support. How unfair is that?!
I wish that I could just snap my fingers or close my eyes and make it all go way... the hurt, the fear, the resentment, the things I did wrong in his eyes, the things that he says I can't fix. If it can't be fixed, then why does he still want to continue to see me and spend time with me? I honestly think that there is hope for us, maybe not right now, maybe it will take some time to sort it all out but he's not given up on me yet.
I'm not going to continue to put all the blame on me anymore. If this is how he wants to live his life, then so be it. I'll be here for him as long as I can handle it. I won't have my life revolve around his family just because his does. Family is great, and I don't mind his family at all, but there is so much family that I get put on the backburner when we're at family gatherings. I'm left to fend for myself while he's socializing and it's not something I'm used to. My ex didn't talk to most of his family, and my family kept their distance because of my ex. It's a vicious cycle of family issues.
So, today I made a decision to get rid of my cat. There are several reason why I'm doing it, but inside it hurts me because my son will miss her the most. My bf never liked cats, he said he was allergic to them, but I got one anyway. Turns out, he has not had any allergic reactions to her. That worked out for a while, but now's he's using her as one of the many reasons why he resents me. He had to get rid of his pets to move in with me, and then I got the cat when he didn't agree to it. He pushed and pushed so much for me to let him move in, and he had to let his huge boxer go because I live in an apartment and that size dog just wouldn't work out in an apartment.
Now I'm moving again and the pet deposit is $400... that is just ludicrous and I can't justify paying that much for a crazy cat that I've had less than a year that attacks, scratches and bites my son. He provokes it most of the time, but never the less - I made the decision she has to go. I'll probably get him a hampster - if I don't have to pay a damn pet deposit.
Another reason he's leaving he says is because I pissed of members of his family, specifically his brother that he is closest with. So, to make things right for myself, I am going to call his brother and apologize to him for disrespecting him or his family. I know it won't change anything now, but it will make me feel better and possibly change their perception of me - because I don't think I'm a bad person. People make mistakes and say things that are out of line from time to time. I just want him to know that I can be the bigger person and accept that I made a mistake and apologize for doing so.
My son never really let my bf get close because he still thinks his daddy is great - and that's probably because I've never bad mouthed his father to him. He needs to make his own opinion of his dad, and I'm sure very soon he will be just as disappointed as I have been. My bf seems to think that his son and I did not get close enough either, but there's a certain line that cannot be crossed. I cannot act like his mother, he already has one. I cannot do more than be a friend to him and show him I care about him and his father. I take care of him when my bf is at work, I take the boys swimming and out to eat. He goes to my sons soccer games and I've been to his sporting events. What else am I supposed to do? I guess an occasional hug and loving gesture, but he was never really happy to be here with us. He is also mad at me because my ex does not pay his child support like he should. As if I have control over that situation!!!! I have a court order saying he has to pay, but he's not responsible and it takes time to get that all worked out and so now I'm suffering in more than one way not getting child support. How unfair is that?!
I wish that I could just snap my fingers or close my eyes and make it all go way... the hurt, the fear, the resentment, the things I did wrong in his eyes, the things that he says I can't fix. If it can't be fixed, then why does he still want to continue to see me and spend time with me? I honestly think that there is hope for us, maybe not right now, maybe it will take some time to sort it all out but he's not given up on me yet.
31 July 2008
Still hopeful...
Another week has passed... and I'm doing better. I'm back to work and keeping busy. Today I took my bf to the airport. Today he starts his vacation, and he's going to Chicago with a friend to go see a baseball game and hang out. Must be nice to have friends that want to hang out with you. I'm not hating on him, just a little jealous. He's jealous of me, I'm jealous of him... nothing makes sense anymore.
My vacation was spent cleaning, packing and crying. He's out having fun with a friend out of town. I'm not mad that he's out enjoying himself on his vacation, just that we didn't get to have the vacation we had planned. Most likely my fault because of the way things were going between us a few months ago.
I still have hope that this will all work out. I keep getting these emails that tell me that God is watching over me and that my life is the way it's supposed to be and I'm where I am for a reason. I'm trying my best to focus on the positive aspects of what's going on. He's a good man, he does love me, he's doing this for his son becasue he is a caring father. I was very selfish last year and kept putting my needs first, and so what goes around comes around. He needs to put his needs first now, and I have to be understanding. That's what people in love do.
This past month since he told me he was moving out, we have been closer than ever. I have cried more than I have in the past year, but it was expected. He's been really good to me, I've been really good to him and we're talking about how much we'll miss each other when we're not together. We are committed to each other and he's talking like everything will be just the same except he won't be with me every night.
My son will start in a new school this year, as I did when I was in first grade. He's young and resilient and will have no problem making new friends. He'll still be playing soccer with the same team - at least for this next season. He also mentioned an interest in baseball so that's more to keep us busy. If only I could get my ex to pay as much attention to our son as my bf does for his son, things would be better for all of us. I'm still waiting on the child support payments - thank God I don't depend on them.
I think I'm finally free of all the depression, just a little stressed to say the least. I'm doing the best that I can, and I think I've done all the right things to let my bf know that I am his soulmate and we are meant to be together. As much as I want things to go his way, I also want him to miss me so much that he'll be open to moving back together with me in the near future and we can compromise on how we want to live out our lives together.
My vacation was spent cleaning, packing and crying. He's out having fun with a friend out of town. I'm not mad that he's out enjoying himself on his vacation, just that we didn't get to have the vacation we had planned. Most likely my fault because of the way things were going between us a few months ago.
I still have hope that this will all work out. I keep getting these emails that tell me that God is watching over me and that my life is the way it's supposed to be and I'm where I am for a reason. I'm trying my best to focus on the positive aspects of what's going on. He's a good man, he does love me, he's doing this for his son becasue he is a caring father. I was very selfish last year and kept putting my needs first, and so what goes around comes around. He needs to put his needs first now, and I have to be understanding. That's what people in love do.
This past month since he told me he was moving out, we have been closer than ever. I have cried more than I have in the past year, but it was expected. He's been really good to me, I've been really good to him and we're talking about how much we'll miss each other when we're not together. We are committed to each other and he's talking like everything will be just the same except he won't be with me every night.
My son will start in a new school this year, as I did when I was in first grade. He's young and resilient and will have no problem making new friends. He'll still be playing soccer with the same team - at least for this next season. He also mentioned an interest in baseball so that's more to keep us busy. If only I could get my ex to pay as much attention to our son as my bf does for his son, things would be better for all of us. I'm still waiting on the child support payments - thank God I don't depend on them.
I think I'm finally free of all the depression, just a little stressed to say the least. I'm doing the best that I can, and I think I've done all the right things to let my bf know that I am his soulmate and we are meant to be together. As much as I want things to go his way, I also want him to miss me so much that he'll be open to moving back together with me in the near future and we can compromise on how we want to live out our lives together.
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