Some days are better than other, today's not so great

Last night we had a long talk about why my bf is moving out. He has told me a few of the reasons, but ALL of the real reasons came out last night. So, now I'm feeling like crap again, because once again it was something I did that finalized his decision. It's always me, I'm used to it by now, but why does this keep happening? I know I can't change everything about me, but my past keeps coming back to haunt me everytime I think I've made a significant change in my life.

I'm not going to continue to put all the blame on me anymore. If this is how he wants to live his life, then so be it. I'll be here for him as long as I can handle it. I won't have my life revolve around his family just because his does. Family is great, and I don't mind his family at all, but there is so much family that I get put on the backburner when we're at family gatherings. I'm left to fend for myself while he's socializing and it's not something I'm used to. My ex didn't talk to most of his family, and my family kept their distance because of my ex. It's a vicious cycle of family issues.

So, today I made a decision to get rid of my cat. There are several reason why I'm doing it, but inside it hurts me because my son will miss her the most. My bf never liked cats, he said he was allergic to them, but I got one anyway. Turns out, he has not had any allergic reactions to her. That worked out for a while, but now's he's using her as one of the many reasons why he resents me. He had to get rid of his pets to move in with me, and then I got the cat when he didn't agree to it. He pushed and pushed so much for me to let him move in, and he had to let his huge boxer go because I live in an apartment and that size dog just wouldn't work out in an apartment.

Now I'm moving again and the pet deposit is $400... that is just ludicrous and I can't justify paying that much for a crazy cat that I've had less than a year that attacks, scratches and bites my son. He provokes it most of the time, but never the less - I made the decision she has to go. I'll probably get him a hampster - if I don't have to pay a damn pet deposit.

Another reason he's leaving he says is because I pissed of members of his family, specifically his brother that he is closest with. So, to make things right for myself, I am going to call his brother and apologize to him for disrespecting him or his family. I know it won't change anything now, but it will make me feel better and possibly change their perception of me - because I don't think I'm a bad person. People make mistakes and say things that are out of line from time to time. I just want him to know that I can be the bigger person and accept that I made a mistake and apologize for doing so.

My son never really let my bf get close because he still thinks his daddy is great - and that's probably because I've never bad mouthed his father to him. He needs to make his own opinion of his dad, and I'm sure very soon he will be just as disappointed as I have been. My bf seems to think that his son and I did not get close enough either, but there's a certain line that cannot be crossed. I cannot act like his mother, he already has one. I cannot do more than be a friend to him and show him I care about him and his father. I take care of him when my bf is at work, I take the boys swimming and out to eat. He goes to my sons soccer games and I've been to his sporting events. What else am I supposed to do? I guess an occasional hug and loving gesture, but he was never really happy to be here with us. He is also mad at me because my ex does not pay his child support like he should. As if I have control over that situation!!!! I have a court order saying he has to pay, but he's not responsible and it takes time to get that all worked out and so now I'm suffering in more than one way not getting child support. How unfair is that?!

I wish that I could just snap my fingers or close my eyes and make it all go way... the hurt, the fear, the resentment, the things I did wrong in his eyes, the things that he says I can't fix. If it can't be fixed, then why does he still want to continue to see me and spend time with me? I honestly think that there is hope for us, maybe not right now, maybe it will take some time to sort it all out but he's not given up on me yet.

Still hopeful...

Another week has passed... and I'm doing better. I'm back to work and keeping busy. Today I took my bf to the airport. Today he starts his vacation, and he's going to Chicago with a friend to go see a baseball game and hang out. Must be nice to have friends that want to hang out with you. I'm not hating on him, just a little jealous. He's jealous of me, I'm jealous of him... nothing makes sense anymore.

My vacation was spent cleaning, packing and crying. He's out having fun with a friend out of town. I'm not mad that he's out enjoying himself on his vacation, just that we didn't get to have the vacation we had planned. Most likely my fault because of the way things were going between us a few months ago.

I still have hope that this will all work out. I keep getting these emails that tell me that God is watching over me and that my life is the way it's supposed to be and I'm where I am for a reason. I'm trying my best to focus on the positive aspects of what's going on. He's a good man, he does love me, he's doing this for his son becasue he is a caring father. I was very selfish last year and kept putting my needs first, and so what goes around comes around. He needs to put his needs first now, and I have to be understanding. That's what people in love do.

This past month since he told me he was moving out, we have been closer than ever. I have cried more than I have in the past year, but it was expected. He's been really good to me, I've been really good to him and we're talking about how much we'll miss each other when we're not together. We are committed to each other and he's talking like everything will be just the same except he won't be with me every night.

My son will start in a new school this year, as I did when I was in first grade. He's young and resilient and will have no problem making new friends. He'll still be playing soccer with the same team - at least for this next season. He also mentioned an interest in baseball so that's more to keep us busy. If only I could get my ex to pay as much attention to our son as my bf does for his son, things would be better for all of us. I'm still waiting on the child support payments - thank God I don't depend on them.

I think I'm finally free of all the depression, just a little stressed to say the least. I'm doing the best that I can, and I think I've done all the right things to let my bf know that I am his soulmate and we are meant to be together. As much as I want things to go his way, I also want him to miss me so much that he'll be open to moving back together with me in the near future and we can compromise on how we want to live out our lives together.

falling apart

I've been crying a lot lately. I'm stressed because I am having to move, then my bf told me he is not moving with me. He's moving back to F.W. because its closer to his son and his family. He needs to be there for his son to help him with his school work and get him back on track.

I'm sad because I will be alone, and I don't have any friends that like to spend time with me, and I have to force myself on my family because they are just as secluded as I am. We live our own lives, and this is one of the downfalls of being independent and having a small family.

I'm crying now, because this all makes me so sad. I feel pathetic because I don't like to be alone, I CAN'T be alone - but I'm not alone. I have a wonderful 6 yr. old son but his company alone is not enough for me. He wants me to be his friend and I need some adult companionship.

My bf has been really great helping me get ready for the move and he'll help me get moved into my new place, but everytime I think about him not being here it breaks my heart. He'll never read this but he knows how much I'm going to miss him. I miss him already and he hasn't even left yet.

I'm sure I'll get thru this, I just got thru a divorce that lasted over a year. I got thru the last breakup, I got thru the depression and the anger and the hurt. Why does everyone always leave me? My son loves me unconditionally - him and my mother are about the only ones. My sister loves me but she doesn't understand how much more I need from her but I don't ask because I know she's dealing with her own problems.

I hope to be able to win his love back again. All his actions show me he loves me, and I hope he's not just being nice to get thru the next couple of weeks until he's out in his own place. He's such a great man - and I screwed something up. He told me his reasons for needing to do this but as much sense as it makes - I still think I did something wrong and pushed him away.

Everytime I get a text I hope its from him... sometimes it is and sometimes it isn't. I know he's busy at work and so I don't expect him to be available to me every minute of everyday. But when I do get a text I'm happy that he's thinking of me.

Why It Is Important to Understand English

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.

Short line...Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too!'

I will wear blue... will you?

Blue Fridays.

Very soon, you will see a great many people wearing blue every Friday. The reason? Americans who support our troops used to be called the 'silent majority'. We are no longer silent, and are voicing our love for God, country and home in record breaking numbers. We are not organized, boisterous or overbearing. Many Americans, like you, me and all our friends, simply want to recognize that the vast majority of America supports our troops. Our idea of showing solidarity and support for our troops with dignity and respect starts this Friday -- and continues each and
every Friday until the troops all come home, sending a deafening message that ... every red-blooded American who supports our men and women afar, will wear something blue. By word of mouth, press, TV -- let's make the United States on every Friday a sea of blue much like a homecoming football game in the bleachers. If every one of us who loves this country will share this with acquaintances, coworkers, friends, and family, it will not be long before the USA is covered in BLUE and it will let our troops know the once 'silent' majority is on their side more than ever, certainly more than the media lets on. The first thing a soldier says when asked 'What can we do to make things better for you?' is ...'We need your support and your prayers.' Let's get the word out and lead with class and dignity, by example, and wear
something blue every Friday.

WE LIVE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, ONLY BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE
IF YOU ARE NOT BEHIND OUR TROOPS THEN STAND IN FRONT OF THEM.

Where to buy American gasoline

THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT TO KNOW. READ ON.

Gas rationing in the 70's worked even though we grumbled about it. It might even have been good for us!

Are you aware that the Saudis are boycotting American products?

Shouldn't we return the favor? Can't we take control of our own destiny and let these giant oil importers know who REALLY generates their profits, their livings? How about leaving American Dollars in America and reduce the import/export deficit?

An appealing remedy might be to boycott their GAS. Every time you fill up your car you can avoid putting more money into the coffers of Saudi Arabia. Just purchase gas from companies that don't import their oil from the Saudis.

Nothing is more frustrating than the feeling that every time I fill up my tank, I'm sending my money to people who I get the impression want me, my family and my friends dead. Don't you think it might be of interest to know which oil companies import Middle Eastern oil and which do not?

These companies import Middle Eastern oil:

Shell................................... 205,742,000 barrels
Chevron/Texaco.................. 144,332,000 barrels
Exxon /Mobil....................... 130,082,000 barrels
Marathon/Speedway............ 117,740,000 barrels
Amoco................................ 62,231,000 barrels

And CITGO oil is imported from Venezuela by Dictator Hugo Chavez who hates America and openly avows our economic destruction! (We pay Chavez's regime nearly $10 Billion per year in oil revenues!)

The U.S. currently imports 5,517,000 barrels of crude oil per day from OPEC. If you do the math at $95 per barrel (now it's over $100) that's over $524 million PER DAY ($191 BILLION per year!) handed over to OPEC, many of whose members are our confirmed enemies!!!!!

Here are some large companies that do not import Middle Eastern oil:
Sunoco....................... 0 barrels
Conoco....................... 0 barrels
Sinclair....................... 0 barrels
BP / Phillips................ 0 barrels
Hess. ........................ 0 barrels
ARC0......................... 0 barrels
Maverick.................... 0 barrels
Flying J. .................... 0 barrels
Valero........................ 0 barrels
All of this information is available from the U.S. Department of Energy and each company is required to state where they get their oil and how much they are importing.

But to have a real impact, we need to reach literally millions of gas buyers. With the help of the internet, it's really simple to do. Now, don't wimp out at this point....keep reading and I'll explain how simple it is to reach millions of people!!

I'm sending this note to about thirty people. If each of you send it to at only ten more (30 x 10 = 300)....and those 300 send it to at least ten more (300 x 10 = 3,000)....and so on, by the time the message reaches the sixth generation of people, we will have reached over THREE MILLION consumers!!!!!!!

If those three million get excited and pass this on to ten friends each, then 30 million people will have been contacted! If it goes one level further, you guessed it....THREE HUNDRED MILLION PEOPLE--the entire population of the United States of America!!!!

Aunt Mildred

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.


Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

Let's get out of our own way, shall we?

One day all the employees reached the office and they saw a big notice on the door which
read:

"Yesterday the person who has been hindering your growth in this company passed away. We invite you to join the funeral in the gym".

In the beginning, they all were sad for the death of one of their colleagues, but after a while they started getting curious to know who was that man who hindered the growth of his colleagues and the company itself.

The excitement in the gym was such that security was ordered to control the crowd within the room. The more people reached the coffin, the more the excitement heated up.

Everyone thought:
"Who is this guy who was hindering my progress? Well, at least he died!" One by one the thrilled employees got closer to the coffin, and when they looked inside it they suddenly became speechless. They stood nearby the coffin, shocked and in silence, as if someone had touched the deepest part of their soul.

There was a mirror inside the coffin:
everyone who looked inside it could see himself.There was also a sign next to the mirror that said:

"There is only one person who is capable
to set limits to your growth: it is YOU."

The Lesson...You are the only person who can revolutionize your life. You are the only person who can influence your happiness, your realization and your success. You are the only person who can help yourself. Your life does not change when your boss changes, when your friends change, when your parents change, when your partner changes, when your company changes. Your life changes when YOU change, when you go beyond your limiting beliefs, when you realize that you are the only one responsible for your life. "The most important relationship you can have, is the one you have with yourself"

Living in Texas!

May 30th

Just moved to Houston. Now this is a city that knows how to live!!

Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a park lying outside on a balmy night. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.


June 14th

Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air-conditioned home with a pool, drive an air-conditioned car; what a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this.

I'm turning into a sun worshipper.


June 30th

Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing the lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.


July 10th

The temperature hasn't been below 100 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longer than I expected.


July 15th

Fell asleep at the pool (got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.


July 20th

I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and shits. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.


July 25th

The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is on the fritz and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts.


July 30th

Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here?


Aug 4th

Feels like it's 125 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95. Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid city.


Aug 8th

If another wiseass cracks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!


Aug 9th

Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.


Aug 10th

The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do ANYTHING for 2 damn months and the wise ass weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing will be next, so my $1700 worth of cactus just might dry up and blow into the damn pool. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.


Aug. 14th

Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to a 115 today. I forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?"

My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Freaking Texas!

What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

Dogs vs. Cats

DOG DIARY

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!


CAT DIARY

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are
fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.


Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an
attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their
feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it
clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made
condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was
placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However,
I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what
this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try
this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs .

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and
seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the
Guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My
captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell,
so he is safe.

For now....