(continuation from part 2)
April 2011 - I'm still not over him, still hurt and vulnerable and still checking out his facebook page since he has it completely wide open, and wouldn't you know he's completely head over heels for this girl and now they're engaged. What a slap in the face to me! I cried on the spot, my heart pounded out of my chest. I felt my blood rush up to my face and I felt every feeling you could image right then. I think my blood pressure hit an ultimate high, and immediately I just burst out in tears. That was the last thing I thought I would see - I actually expected to just be bored and see him single - a new status alright...just not at all what I wanted. Damn, engaged? I spent 3 years + trying to make this man see what a good woman I am, how much value I could bring to his life, a good mom, independent as hell, a go-getter; solid. But as soon as I saw that label "engaged" I broke down. I shouldn't have even cared by now. I definitely felt emotional I had just been dumped, and he had moved on and found "the one" so quickly, but it was more about the fact that it was him engaged, and not me. I honestly feel like that's what I've been hoping and praying would happen for so long, and it was now so far out of my reach. I guess I could just marry the next Joe Blow that had the inclination, but I'm not that much of a risk taker. My mind was blown, completely. I immediately told my sister and my closest friends. My heart sank and I just kept feeling worse as the days went by. Now I'm way out here near my work, far from my family and a lot of my friends but it's not like I would have spent much time with anyone anyway at this point. I wanted to hide under a rock. First, I went from thinking I was losing my man to another man, and then it was just me not good enough for him. I don't know which feels worse.
So, I cried my tears, I wiped my face and I accepted the fact that I would never get him back, it was not meant to be, I was not the one for him - and it was a sad reality but after that low blow, yeah, you'd think I'd leave it alone and let it be. Well, I wish I could say that was the case, but no - I would go back and check from time to time over the next few months and in August, they married. I think that was finally the closure I needed and I had plenty of my friends there to support me and remind me of all hard times. It sucks to talk negative about the one you love, but if the feelings are not reciprocated, then it's time to keep it moving. I told my best friend - I know the only way I can move on is to meet someone new. Finally in May, I did. This was a cousin of a good friend, and he was good looking. She told me about him a little and she told him a little about me. Started off good, one of these meet and greets on facebook - easier to break the ice that way I guess. Get to know someone online and decide what you think and see pictures before you get too invoved. I'm feeling better now that I have someone to take my mind off my previous troubles. I didn't forget my ex that easily, just trying to move on to the next chapter in my life.
This guy was not very refined at all - rough around the edges, had a personality that was hard to deal with at times, but of course I'm the type of person that makes excuses for everyone and I say to myself "it's new, give it time, don't make the same mistake you just made with the last one" and so I just was honest with him and told him I thought he was a bit too abrasive at times, and being that we just barely were getting to know each other, maybe he should not be so comfortable if he wanted us to have a shot at something here. So he chilled out a bit, and he liked talking to me and we would talk for hours at a time. Sounds like your typical new relationship. Basically, he was a jerk, he used me - well, rather, I allowed him to use me for 4 months. I ignored all the red flags and continued to believe that something good would come of this. I kept thinking "he'll realize how great a person I am and come to his senses". My friend tells me I have this horrible ailment with no cure - I'm a hopeless romantic. Yep, she's right. So I lent this guy money because he has two daughters and I thought they were suffering because he was going through a rough patch. Turns out, he's just another asshole that brings it on himself and blames everyone else for his short comings. Man, he came up with the worst lies and the most unbelievable excuses. Now that I look back, I'm asking myself just what in the hell did I see in him. The answer is that I had hoped he would take my mind off my recent breakup. I wanted something good to happen to me. He was not the one. So in September, I gave up on this guy after a week of total bullshit from him. One excuse after another and by that time I was angry - livid to be exact. I wanted to go to his house and slash his tires. I went to his house to get him to pay me back. To this day, he still has not paid back a dime.
So a couple months pass and I'm starving for attention, so I decide to try something new. I sign up for Match.com. It actually was pretty cool- you check people out, get a glimpse into their world a short bio, decide if you are attracted to their pics, their thoughts they share and you reach out if interested. I went on a date, talked to a few guys and got the cold shoulder from a few more. You know, this type of dating is actually a bit humiliating and humbling at the same time. I realize I'm not all that, I'm not as attractive or as appealing as I used to be. I was my usual brave self, reaching out and making the first move because I wanted this to work. I'm not going to wait around for Mr. Right to contact me. It might not ever happen if I leave it to chance. So one night, this guy creates a profile and I send him a message. He checks out my profile (I know this because the site shows you who's viewed you) and I'm thinking there's something about this guy that's strikes me as a really nice guy. I read his profile and it's so sweet and I'm instantly drawn in. I send him a message to let him know I'm interested. Well, a day goes by and then I get a message that he liked one of my pics. Then a while later he likes another pic. So I figure he's shy or still checking things out. So by the 2nd day I write another message basically saying hey there, if you're interested, I'm interested. About the third day in, I was just about to move on and forget about him when I got an email back from him... (to be continued)
07 March 2012
01 March 2012
Lets take it way back - part 2
(continuation of part 1)
So, I've just been dumped on the exact day of my 3 year anniversary, and he's pissed and leaves to go to his family's house. I'm at home crying and just totally stunned at the events that just took place. When he gets back he says he's not moving out right away, he's waiting til the first of August. Hold up!!! What the hell... we're in March. You just broke up with me and now I have to live with you for 5 more month. Can life get any worse? That was a rhetorical question, but eventually I got the answer. Umm yes, it can - and it did. So, he breaks up with me, but like most men, still wants to sleep with me, but then he gets pissy when I tell him we can't sleep in the same bed anymore. I mean, come on now, you just broke my heart. I was completely devastated. I cried every night - and most days he would stay gone, at work, out fishing, hanging out with some gay guy. Oh yeah, this was a trip. I'm fine with gay and lesbian people - I have no issues, except when I have this gut feeling that his friend, who is gay, is making moves on him and he doesn't realize it. I think the guy was giving him a shoulder, being the good friend and letting him vent, but also throwing in his 2 cents. I think he was trying to get close to him. It was disturbing to me, and I called him out on this. One day the bf and his son were hanging out at this guys house and they went swimming in his pool. The gay guy let him borrow a shirt. Ok, first of all, I don't let my girlfriends borrow my clothes, so for two guys to share clothing really was a red flag. I was really feeling weird too because, was I about to be a victim of my bf leaving me for a man??!! OMG, what the hell is wrong with me?! Well, I'll never know the truth, but eventually that friend went away after some time - but it was a very strange situation, none the less.
The living situation was awkward - you know that song by Script "breakeven" - I was living that song "I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing... I got time while he's got freedom, cuz when a heart breaks, no it don't break even" - I would tear up every time I heard that song on the radio. I could not move out, my son was 8 at the time and it was mid school year. The lease was up mid August, so I could move before the next school year started. He, on the other hand, could have been a man and moved out, but he did not. He made me suffer, and suffer I did. I suffered for the next 6 months, I cried every single day for 6 whole months. I never thought a person could cry so much - and I honestly did love him and he hurt me in just about every way possible. Finally when July came around, I had to go to Roswell to meet my ex husband half way at my moms house so he could pick up our son to keep him for the last month of summer vacation. I was gone 3 days. When I got back, the bastard had moved out. He left me with almost no furniture, I had my bed and my sons bed and that was it. We were sharing the living room furniture, he took his bed and all his other things. Oh, I did have the dining room table and chairs, I bought that. The house was just unbearable to look at - it was so sad. I was so sad. But, I had to be strong - story of my life. So, even after moving out and leaving me the way he did, he still wanted to hang out. He said he was still having a hard time letting go as well. I hated him, but I loved him at the same time. I think that was the hardest thing I had dealt with in such a long time. I didn't have much time to go out and do things, I was having to pack up everything myself for the next move. I was totally used to that - I've moved so many times, I've got that down pat. At this point, I was so mad at the world, I decided to move back to the suburb where I work - 2 miles from my job. I said screw him and screw the family, they never come to visit me anyway and I was right down the road. The further away I was from the ex bf, the better. I would not be tempted to see him or have him over. But, wouldn't you now, I moved really far away and he would still come over sometimes. That made me believe that he honestly still did love me and was having a hard time letting go. But he wasn't suffering like I was - I was the one that got dumped and felt like I wasn't good enough. I bent over backwards but I wasn't wife material. I think he wants a wife to be seen and not heard. That is NOT me!!! Besides that, his whole family were alcoholics, he was borderline alcoholic and I could not stand going to the family events and if you didn't drink they criticized, but if you did drink it was overdone. If I didn't put on a happy face I was being a bitch and they just never liked me, and I never felt accepted. I tried, I really did try to accept it and say this is how it's going to be, deal with it. But, now that I look back, I am so glad it did not work out.
It was February (2011) when I finally had enough of the stringing along and I didn't talk to him anymore. He did come by one last time to pick up something of his that was in my lock box and he didn't even come inside. I suspect he had someone in the car with him. He was amicable - he said he still wanted to be friends and he gave me a goodbye hug. That just confused the hell out of me, but I said goodbye and let it be. Now, I did do some stupid things after, like look him up on facebook and that was heartbreaking. Not only had he moved on, he was doing things with her that he'd never do with me, like take pics together, go to certain places and apparently she was in good with the family. This was only a month later. I was like, wow, ok he was completely over me so quick - I had apparently lost him a long, long time ago. By April - I was in complete dismay over the news I recently discovered... (to be continued)
So, I've just been dumped on the exact day of my 3 year anniversary, and he's pissed and leaves to go to his family's house. I'm at home crying and just totally stunned at the events that just took place. When he gets back he says he's not moving out right away, he's waiting til the first of August. Hold up!!! What the hell... we're in March. You just broke up with me and now I have to live with you for 5 more month. Can life get any worse? That was a rhetorical question, but eventually I got the answer. Umm yes, it can - and it did. So, he breaks up with me, but like most men, still wants to sleep with me, but then he gets pissy when I tell him we can't sleep in the same bed anymore. I mean, come on now, you just broke my heart. I was completely devastated. I cried every night - and most days he would stay gone, at work, out fishing, hanging out with some gay guy. Oh yeah, this was a trip. I'm fine with gay and lesbian people - I have no issues, except when I have this gut feeling that his friend, who is gay, is making moves on him and he doesn't realize it. I think the guy was giving him a shoulder, being the good friend and letting him vent, but also throwing in his 2 cents. I think he was trying to get close to him. It was disturbing to me, and I called him out on this. One day the bf and his son were hanging out at this guys house and they went swimming in his pool. The gay guy let him borrow a shirt. Ok, first of all, I don't let my girlfriends borrow my clothes, so for two guys to share clothing really was a red flag. I was really feeling weird too because, was I about to be a victim of my bf leaving me for a man??!! OMG, what the hell is wrong with me?! Well, I'll never know the truth, but eventually that friend went away after some time - but it was a very strange situation, none the less.
The living situation was awkward - you know that song by Script "breakeven" - I was living that song "I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing... I got time while he's got freedom, cuz when a heart breaks, no it don't break even" - I would tear up every time I heard that song on the radio. I could not move out, my son was 8 at the time and it was mid school year. The lease was up mid August, so I could move before the next school year started. He, on the other hand, could have been a man and moved out, but he did not. He made me suffer, and suffer I did. I suffered for the next 6 months, I cried every single day for 6 whole months. I never thought a person could cry so much - and I honestly did love him and he hurt me in just about every way possible. Finally when July came around, I had to go to Roswell to meet my ex husband half way at my moms house so he could pick up our son to keep him for the last month of summer vacation. I was gone 3 days. When I got back, the bastard had moved out. He left me with almost no furniture, I had my bed and my sons bed and that was it. We were sharing the living room furniture, he took his bed and all his other things. Oh, I did have the dining room table and chairs, I bought that. The house was just unbearable to look at - it was so sad. I was so sad. But, I had to be strong - story of my life. So, even after moving out and leaving me the way he did, he still wanted to hang out. He said he was still having a hard time letting go as well. I hated him, but I loved him at the same time. I think that was the hardest thing I had dealt with in such a long time. I didn't have much time to go out and do things, I was having to pack up everything myself for the next move. I was totally used to that - I've moved so many times, I've got that down pat. At this point, I was so mad at the world, I decided to move back to the suburb where I work - 2 miles from my job. I said screw him and screw the family, they never come to visit me anyway and I was right down the road. The further away I was from the ex bf, the better. I would not be tempted to see him or have him over. But, wouldn't you now, I moved really far away and he would still come over sometimes. That made me believe that he honestly still did love me and was having a hard time letting go. But he wasn't suffering like I was - I was the one that got dumped and felt like I wasn't good enough. I bent over backwards but I wasn't wife material. I think he wants a wife to be seen and not heard. That is NOT me!!! Besides that, his whole family were alcoholics, he was borderline alcoholic and I could not stand going to the family events and if you didn't drink they criticized, but if you did drink it was overdone. If I didn't put on a happy face I was being a bitch and they just never liked me, and I never felt accepted. I tried, I really did try to accept it and say this is how it's going to be, deal with it. But, now that I look back, I am so glad it did not work out.
It was February (2011) when I finally had enough of the stringing along and I didn't talk to him anymore. He did come by one last time to pick up something of his that was in my lock box and he didn't even come inside. I suspect he had someone in the car with him. He was amicable - he said he still wanted to be friends and he gave me a goodbye hug. That just confused the hell out of me, but I said goodbye and let it be. Now, I did do some stupid things after, like look him up on facebook and that was heartbreaking. Not only had he moved on, he was doing things with her that he'd never do with me, like take pics together, go to certain places and apparently she was in good with the family. This was only a month later. I was like, wow, ok he was completely over me so quick - I had apparently lost him a long, long time ago. By April - I was in complete dismay over the news I recently discovered... (to be continued)
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