Some days are better than other, today's not so great

Last night we had a long talk about why my bf is moving out. He has told me a few of the reasons, but ALL of the real reasons came out last night. So, now I'm feeling like crap again, because once again it was something I did that finalized his decision. It's always me, I'm used to it by now, but why does this keep happening? I know I can't change everything about me, but my past keeps coming back to haunt me everytime I think I've made a significant change in my life.

I'm not going to continue to put all the blame on me anymore. If this is how he wants to live his life, then so be it. I'll be here for him as long as I can handle it. I won't have my life revolve around his family just because his does. Family is great, and I don't mind his family at all, but there is so much family that I get put on the backburner when we're at family gatherings. I'm left to fend for myself while he's socializing and it's not something I'm used to. My ex didn't talk to most of his family, and my family kept their distance because of my ex. It's a vicious cycle of family issues.

So, today I made a decision to get rid of my cat. There are several reason why I'm doing it, but inside it hurts me because my son will miss her the most. My bf never liked cats, he said he was allergic to them, but I got one anyway. Turns out, he has not had any allergic reactions to her. That worked out for a while, but now's he's using her as one of the many reasons why he resents me. He had to get rid of his pets to move in with me, and then I got the cat when he didn't agree to it. He pushed and pushed so much for me to let him move in, and he had to let his huge boxer go because I live in an apartment and that size dog just wouldn't work out in an apartment.

Now I'm moving again and the pet deposit is $400... that is just ludicrous and I can't justify paying that much for a crazy cat that I've had less than a year that attacks, scratches and bites my son. He provokes it most of the time, but never the less - I made the decision she has to go. I'll probably get him a hampster - if I don't have to pay a damn pet deposit.

Another reason he's leaving he says is because I pissed of members of his family, specifically his brother that he is closest with. So, to make things right for myself, I am going to call his brother and apologize to him for disrespecting him or his family. I know it won't change anything now, but it will make me feel better and possibly change their perception of me - because I don't think I'm a bad person. People make mistakes and say things that are out of line from time to time. I just want him to know that I can be the bigger person and accept that I made a mistake and apologize for doing so.

My son never really let my bf get close because he still thinks his daddy is great - and that's probably because I've never bad mouthed his father to him. He needs to make his own opinion of his dad, and I'm sure very soon he will be just as disappointed as I have been. My bf seems to think that his son and I did not get close enough either, but there's a certain line that cannot be crossed. I cannot act like his mother, he already has one. I cannot do more than be a friend to him and show him I care about him and his father. I take care of him when my bf is at work, I take the boys swimming and out to eat. He goes to my sons soccer games and I've been to his sporting events. What else am I supposed to do? I guess an occasional hug and loving gesture, but he was never really happy to be here with us. He is also mad at me because my ex does not pay his child support like he should. As if I have control over that situation!!!! I have a court order saying he has to pay, but he's not responsible and it takes time to get that all worked out and so now I'm suffering in more than one way not getting child support. How unfair is that?!

I wish that I could just snap my fingers or close my eyes and make it all go way... the hurt, the fear, the resentment, the things I did wrong in his eyes, the things that he says I can't fix. If it can't be fixed, then why does he still want to continue to see me and spend time with me? I honestly think that there is hope for us, maybe not right now, maybe it will take some time to sort it all out but he's not given up on me yet.