Emotionally numb

I literally just broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months...should I be crying or upset? Well, I'm not. I'm not sure exactly how I feel. Am I relieved? Yeah, somewhat. Will I miss him tomorrow? Umm, most likely. Will I take him back? No one knows for sure.

I know that he made me furious tonight. We argued about my ex-husband coming to town for Christmas to see our son. (Truthfully he's not my ex-husband yet because officially we are not divorced, but it's in the works.) Is this what added fuel to the fire? Yes, of course. There are some jealousy issues that he had that I just did not like about him and seem obvious that I was not able to just overlook. There were other things as well, but this was the BIG one. I'm a very hard person to talk to when I'm angry because if you ask me a question I'll just agree to get you to leave me alone. So, he asked if I wanted him out and I shook my head yes. He's asked me that very question several times before and I just stared at him with a blank look, but tonight he got his answer. Granted it was not the answer he really wanted, but he got one.

I'm not playing stupid relationship games. I went through 10 years of hard times with the last one, and this one started early on giving me grief about petty shit and I knew it was not going to last. I kept trying to give him the benefit of the doubt thinking he would ease up once he became more secure with our relationship. Then this. My ex asked nicely if it would be ok for him to see his son during Christmas since he hasn't seen him in over a year and a half. I wasn't planning for him to hang out here, but then again I don't want my son to just hang out in a hotel when he could be here with the Christmas tree and the good food and warming up near the fireplace.

This is such a touchy subject, I could go on and on, but I'm going to spare everyone all the crap and just say that this really sucks and it was not what I intended to happen. There was some miscommunication - but this was not the first time. I think in the back of my mind I was ready for it to be over but I thought we were going to get through the holidays. I wanted to believe that he would have made a lasting impression over these next few days that would change the way I felt about him.

I hope I made the right decision for my son.