My Sad Christmas Story

My family and close friends might say I did the best that I could given the situation, or maybe they think I bring all this drama on myself. Maybe they're thinking I should have known better.

I was at my mom's house in New Mexico when I received a call from my ex's sister. I missed the call. Then 20 minutes later I get a call from my ex. He left a voicemail asking that I call him as soon as possible. Now, I'm not even sure what to think, so I waited a few minutes and called my ex. He says's his sister bought him tickets to fly out here to see our son for Christmas and he wanted to know what our plans were for that week. I told him that at the moment we didn't have plans so I would work with him to make arrangements so we could all do our thing. He didn't know the flight schedule so we left it at that. He would be here the day before Christmas Eve, and leave sometime on Christmas Day.

As soon as I found out, I let my boyfriend know that he was coming to see my son. I know in the back of his mind he was not thrilled, but he did not show his concern, he just said that would be great since my son hasn't seen his dad in over a year and a half. He didn't have to say much, but just knowing both of these men the way I do, Christmas week was going to be a tough one to get though to keep both of them happy. The following week my ex called and let me know he was going to buy all the Santa gifts and there would be some from him as well. I was glad to hear that he was finally stepping up and putting in some effort to help out. When I told my boyfriend, he got mad at me for letting my ex do what he wants to help out when he wants. I got a little defensive and told him I was not going to turn down any help that my ex offered because it was far and few in between when he did help. My boyfriend still did not see it my way. I was pretty upset with my boyfriend over his comment, so for the next few days we struggled to stay calm around each other.

To make a long story short, when my ex finally found out his flight schedule, he called me and said he would be in early Dec. 23rd and out late Dec. 25th. When he arrived on the 23rd, he was going to come by and pick up our son, and spend the day with him and he would keep him overnight. He mentioned coming over and hanging out Christmas Eve. WHAT? Wait... he wants to come here and hang out, on a Sunday? I didn't know he even wanted to be around me. It had not even crossed my mind that this was the reason he kept asking me if he was imposing...I also had to keep in mind he was coming here after a year and a half and that my son may feel a bit awkward and may not want to go with him right away. Also, spending the day in a hotel room is not really appealing around the holidays. I knew my boyfriend was not going to be happy with this suggestion one bit. I mentioned to him that my ex would be over for a while on Monday and that's where the problems started. I believe this was the Wednesday before Christmas. We argued, we went to bed mad, we woke up mad and didn't speak the next morning. We argued over text, then he came over late that night, and we yelled at each other some more. I was so furious over his comments, his opionions, and what seemed to be jealous behavior that I broke up with him and asked him to get his stuff and leave...and he did. That was Thursday night.

Friday, we argued over text more, and then I talked to my ex and we discussed his plans for the time he would be here. I tried to make arrangements for both of them to be comfortable, and to where they would not feel awkward being around each other for long periods of time. My ex and I are not divorced yet, but it is in the process. I have been with my boyfriend almost a year. After I broke up with my boyfriend, I felt really crappy. How could I do this to him right before Christmas? This is probably the #1 No-no rule when breaking up with someone. Now he was going to be unhappy and I was going to be unhappy. I called him and made ammends and we made plans to hang out on Sunday. I did however manage to hurt his feelings again by saying that we would be hanging out "just as friends". Why do I keep doing this to myself.

My ex arrived Dec. 23rd @ 11am. We greeted each other, he came in, I got my son dressed and they left. So far, everything was cool. I called my now ex-boyfriend so we could hang out and we had a good day. My son seemed to be just fine with his dad and he stayed the night. The next day was Monday, and my now ex-boyfriend had to work, so I didn't have to worry about any run-ins with the two of them. After my son and his dad did their running around and shopping, they invited me to the mall. I can be civil and hang out and see a movie and pretend to still be a family. We watched the movie, and then after the movie, we went back to my place. The plan was for me to make lunch and we were going to eat, but as soon as he came in he said he felt awkward and left. I called him back and apparently he said he felt like he was here in our life but one that he was not a part of...which is true. I still have all the same furniture, but there are no pictures of my ex anywhere in my house. He has to understand that my son and I are moving on without him. He walked out on us.

Anyway, I talked him into coming back and we had lunch and we discussed the divorce, child support and him getting some of his personal things back. Then he proceeded to tell me how the feelings he thought were passed him came back when he saw me and that was why he felt awkward. Our relationship is over, but since we haven't had to deal with each other face to face for over a year it was easier...out of sight, out of mind. He gathered his belongings and he left again, and he left me crying. I was feeling bad for him because he said he had been living in his van for over a month to save up money to come see his son and spend it on him for Christmas. He said he regreted leaving us and wished he could change things. When my son saw me crying, he began to cry. He said he was sad because he would never see his dad again. I've always reassured him that his dad is trying his best to do the right thing to move back to Texas to be close to him again. I cried that night the hardest I have cried in over a year. I think I needed it more than I knew. It felt good to finally let some of those emotions go and to stop bottling it in because I was making myself angry, and the anger is what I express to everyone around me.

So, the day my ex showed up, he presented my son with a cellphone. He said he figured if his son had his own cellphone he would call him more often. It was an extra line on his plan so it would not cost me anything. I agreed to let him keep it and use it under my supervision. Christmas Eve night, my son picked up the phone and asked me how to send a text message to his dad. I was about to show him, and I noticed my ex had left 500 sent messages on the phone. Now, tell me, what would you do in this case? Would you respect his privacy and just delete the messages? Would you read them and see what he's been up to lately?

Knowing the type of person he is, and the shit he gets into, I decided to read them. I didn't see anything interesting in the first 6 messages, so I was just about to go ahead and delete them all when I saw message #7. This was to someone referred to as "slut". The message read "call me when you get a chance." I was interested to know who he was referring to this way, so i found the next message with the same name. The message read " I told you I got him a psp, spongebob operation, transformers, a couple of games for the psp and some other things". It hit me like a ton of bricks! That was the conversation I had with him two weeks ago...I'm the one he's referring to as "slut"! What the hell? Why would he disrespect me like this? Is he that much of a dumbass that he forgot to clear out these messages and he has the nerve to have me in his contacts as "slut"! I was furious. I was so angry, I read each and every text he left on that phone. I found out some pretty bad things and I documented names and phone #'s. If I have to, I will use this information against him in court if he tries to screw with me one more time. He has what he deserves coming to him.

I called my now ex-boyfriend to talk to him because I wanted him to come over to my family's house on Christmas. We had already planned the day this way but I was not sure if he was still going to be there or not. I apologized to him for my actions the last few days and I told him I was sorry for being so harsh on him. I explained to him what I found out about my ex and I told him I was planning to confront him the next morning. He was concerned for my safety and suggested he be there just in case. My ex has a bad temper and given the things I was going to bring up, I felt better knowing that I was not putting myself or my son in harms way. The next morning, my ex was waiting for me to call him to come over. I guess he figured i had company, so he sent me a text saying he was going to see about catching an early flight out. I told him to come over, I was still getting ready but he needs to see his son before he leaves and say good-bye. Before he made it over, my now ex-boyfriend showed up. I sent my ex a text to let him know he was there, but wouldn't you know it, the text didn't get delivered until 45 minutes too late. My ex walked in the door, I told him the boyfriend was in the kitchen, and he turned around and walked out. He was cussing and pissed at me for not calling and so I followed him out. I told him to at least say bye to his son, whom was standing right behind me at the moment. He said "I love you son" and kept walking. Wait, he can't leave! I had something to say to him... so across the parking lot I yelled out "thanks for all those lovely text messages you left on the phone for me to read!" He kept walking but turned around and said "what the hell are you talking about? What text messages?" I went back inside because I feared he was going to come back and start some shit with me.

He left, but he called me back. We argued for another 15 minutes on the phone. He denied everything. I told him that was fine, he could deny all he wanted but I had all the proof I needed on this phone to show in court. He made all kinds of excuses of why this said this and that said that...but it's all good. I learned my lesson, again. I cannot trust that man and he will never do right by me. He can live his life the way he wants, but he will have to do it without his son. I will never let my son go to stay with him where he is now, not around that family of his. How could I be so stupid to think that he was changing, that he had realized the error of his ways. I thought he had done some growing and maturing over this last year. I was SO WRONG. He is still the same scumbag he has been since I met him. He will never change and I have to accept that. He did get any early flight out that day and I have not heard from him since. I guess we managed to ruin each others Christmas without really trying.

Now, I'm trying to fix my relationship with my now ex-boyfriend. I was very angry at him for not understanding my situation and for having an opinion on how he thought I should have been handling things. We seem to have a disconnect when it comes to communicating with each other because we say all the wrong things to each other and the wrong time. Then later, after our fall-out, we say the right thing but by then we are both tired and hurt and licking our wounds. I didn't realize that he was trying to express something to me one way, and I saw it as jealousy. I've had my head hung down in shame the last few days for not seeing him for the loving, caring man that he is...with him I don't have to worry about all the things that my ex put me through. I never wanted to compare him to my ex, but this weekend was a wake up call for me. In order to move on from my ex and see him for what he is, I need to see what I have right in front of me now and realize how much better things are and will be.

Freedom of expression is a great thing, but sometimes you can have to much of a good thing. Sometimes you can express yourself freely to much or to the wrong person. Sometimes you speak before you think, or you freely express yourself out of anger and once those expressions are heard...its too late to take it back. I went from holding it all in and not telling anyone anything, to letting it all out and telling everyone what I thought right then and there. Now, I'm learning to say what I mean, and mean what I say.