I used to think about it - I've always been depressed as long as I can remember, just always been in different stages of it. I contemplated suicide a few times as I recall, but never did anything but think about it. I never attempted to hurt myself - it just seemed to sound like a good solution at the time. There was a point in my life when I wished for Armageddon to come and take us all out - that way I didn't have to consider suicide and not hurt my family and friends. That way, I wouldn't sin and go to hell (that is the Catholic belief; suicide is a sin, and if you committ suicide you are instantly banished to hell).
Lately, my depression has taken on a new form. I have no longer been sad, crying my eyes out until I had no tears left. I do not distance myself from coworkers, friends and family. I do not seek to fill a void with drugs and partying. I no longer wish for death to ease my pain, in fact, I do not wish to die for a long time. I have a son that needs his mother. I have a son that cannot depend on his father. I have family that enjoys my company and loves me.
My depression has turned into anger. I yell, I cuss, my blood pressure goes up and I can't see straight. I want to hurt someone - but I have enough commonsense to know that's not going to resolve any of my problems. I get mad, I yell, I hurt those around me and then I feel bad. I feel regret; maybe for what I said or because I could not control my outburst. Whatever the reason, I know I am wrong and I need help.
My dr. says I need to see a therapist. I have disregarded his advice for over a year now. I was on medication for anxiety for a while in 2006, and it did help. It helped so much that in 2007 I decided I was feeling better and I stopped taking the medicine. Then after about 3 months, I began to show symptoms again. It took me two more months before I made the decision to get back on the meds. I did not have the same results the 2nd time around. The medicine caused my already high blood pressure to elevate even more, which in turn resulted in migraines. I was taking 6 to 8 tylenols a day just to be able to function. I had to ween myself back off the meds and figure out a way to cope without these pills. I started taking a birth control pill which stated that it helped with symptoms of PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) which is partly what I am suffering from...but I have not seen much improvement.
So, here I am today, trying to decide what I will do in 2008. I will:
Lately, my depression has taken on a new form. I have no longer been sad, crying my eyes out until I had no tears left. I do not distance myself from coworkers, friends and family. I do not seek to fill a void with drugs and partying. I no longer wish for death to ease my pain, in fact, I do not wish to die for a long time. I have a son that needs his mother. I have a son that cannot depend on his father. I have family that enjoys my company and loves me.
My depression has turned into anger. I yell, I cuss, my blood pressure goes up and I can't see straight. I want to hurt someone - but I have enough commonsense to know that's not going to resolve any of my problems. I get mad, I yell, I hurt those around me and then I feel bad. I feel regret; maybe for what I said or because I could not control my outburst. Whatever the reason, I know I am wrong and I need help.
My dr. says I need to see a therapist. I have disregarded his advice for over a year now. I was on medication for anxiety for a while in 2006, and it did help. It helped so much that in 2007 I decided I was feeling better and I stopped taking the medicine. Then after about 3 months, I began to show symptoms again. It took me two more months before I made the decision to get back on the meds. I did not have the same results the 2nd time around. The medicine caused my already high blood pressure to elevate even more, which in turn resulted in migraines. I was taking 6 to 8 tylenols a day just to be able to function. I had to ween myself back off the meds and figure out a way to cope without these pills. I started taking a birth control pill which stated that it helped with symptoms of PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) which is partly what I am suffering from...but I have not seen much improvement.
So, here I am today, trying to decide what I will do in 2008. I will:
- go see a new dr. (female dr. familiar with pmdd symptoms)
- possibly begin taking the medication again that seemed to help a while back
- go see a therapist (physchotherapist, headshrink, psychologist... is there a difference?)
- go CRAZY!!!! - if I don't do something soon.
Deep down inside, I'm a very loving, caring person...just learned some hard lessons in life very early on and been through some rough patches for a while now. Everybody's got issues, right?
2 comments:
I know exactly what you are going through, Jelly! I've experienced pretty much all of the things that you wrote on this post..... I've been depressed all my life due to growing up in a dysfunctional family. I am getting better though. My suggestion to you is to find a new female Dr. who takes some extra time to listen to you. Therapy with psychologist never worked for me. I was fortunate enough to find a caring family internal medicine female Dr. and she really helped me out. Yes, I got on medication and am still on it. Once thing I have to ask you is, do you exercise regularly? My Dr. suggested me to exercise at least 3-4 days a week for 20-30minutes. It will relieve your depression and PMDD symptoms. I recommend walking & Yoga. I hope things get better for you soon.
I, too, have had life-long depression. I was suicidal in my 20s, but no longer. I see a psychiatrist every 3 months for medication management and a therapist when I need to talk to somebody.
There are a lot of different medications available, many of which won't increase your blood pressure. I suggest a psychiatrist and not your family physician. You may need a combination of medications to treat your symptoms.
Long-term depression changes your brain chemistry and may change your brain's neuro-wiring structure, so medication changes are necessary when you have unresolved symptoms or symptoms breaking through where they used to be under control.
Eating right (fruits and veggies) and exercise also help substantially, but are not a substitute for a good psychiatrist. You need to take care of yourself in as many ways as possible, including proper sleep. Your son needs his mother to be stable as well as present.
You may not just have depression, you may have another related mood disorder. You describe that instead of feeling down you get angry. This can be a sign of another mood disorder - bipolar disorder. There are many forms of bipolar disorder, and lots of people have a form where they are either depressed, or anxious and angry rather than manic. The is called bipolar II disorder. I believe there are 6 types of bipolar disorder currently defined. It requires a different medication approach, but is very treatable.
I suggest this because my son has bipolar II disorder and experiences what you describe - depression at times and anger and anxiety at other times.
Therapy helps, there is no doubt about it, but don't go unless you are willing to make behavioral changes in your life. Therapy plus medication has shown to be the best combination of treatment.
PMDD may be involved, but knowing you suffer from depression and have for along time would lead me to the psychiatrist before the GYN. You should check into it, but depression or other mood disorder is most likely the culprit.
Best of luck with your treatment, and don't go crazy. It's not necessary when there is a lot of help and really good medicine available to get you on track to a normal life.
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